"let's break everything differently" au

[resnipstance]

[ They all stand in the Council room after the trial, the evening sunset light of Coruscant pouring in to the tall chamber. Anakin and Plo-Koon give their apologies, and for just one single moment, Ahsoka thinks that maybe everything will be okay again. Not like it was-- it can never go back to the way it was. The knowledge that some of the people Ahsoka called family were willing to cast her aside without due process will stay with her forever. Such things can never be forgotten. But perhaps there is something there to be salvaged.

But then Master Windu and Master Yoda make their excuses, and Ahsoka feels her stomach drop out of the room entirely. It will always be like this, she realises. The Order is ... not what she thought it was. Suddenly, she knows it as clear as day: if she stays here, her soul will slowly rot from the inside. Like Barriss.

"They're asking you back, Ahsoka," Anakin's voice cuts through her thoughts, as he extends his hand to her holding her padawan braid. "I'm... asking you back."

She looks up at him then, certain that she knows what she has to do, but unwilling to say it. She reaches out to take Anakin's hand in her own, hoping to soften the blow of what she's about to say. But the second she touches it, something else happens.

Death. Terror. Destruction. The whole galaxy, crying out in pain in a single instance, and then just as suddenly-- nothing. The Force, drenched in silence and darkness. Obi-Wan, looking old and alone in the desert, full of sorrow. Glimpses of war-- more war. Never ending war. Anakin's voice from somewhere far off, full of rage, screaming "I hate you!"

None of it makes any sense.

And thne just as abruptly, a different vision. No-- she's seen this one before, but she'd forgotten about it. Herself, standing over a campfire. "Beware!" she warns. "You may never see your future if you remain his student!"

Ahsoka abruptly lets go of Anakin's hand in the Council room and the visions stop. She takes a step back in alarm. ]

I-- I'm sorry, Masters--

[ She speaks to the whole room, heart pounding with adrenaline, eyes on the floor but darting from side to side while she tries to catch her breath. She closes her eyes for a second and breathes in slowly and then out again, calming herself. Finding her center, she opens her eyes again and straightens. ]

It's... been a long day. Your offer is very generous, but I'm not sure I'm in the right state of mind to be making big decisions about my future right now. With your permission, I'd like to request a couple of days to meditate on it.

[ The room is filled with stunned silence, before Master Yoda taps his gimmer stick on the floor decisively and nods. "Certain, you must be. Wise to take your time in such matters, it is."

Ahsoka swallows hard and makes a hasty bow. "Thank you," passes from her lips, before she turns tail and exits from the Council chamber with as much speed as she can muster, not waiting for a dismissal. ]

Comments

for skyguy

[resnipstance]

[ The minute she hears the doors of the Council Chamber shut behind her, she starts running. The problem is, she isn't running to anywhere in particular. She just knows she needs to get away from whatever that was. She just knows she has an excess of adrenaline-spike energy and nowhere to put it. Her heart feels like it's threatening to pound itself right out of her chest.

Her footfalls echo down the halls as she runs aimlessly, trying to quiet the yelling in her head. Where can she go? Where is she going? She needs to be alone. She needs to fight something. Both these things are mutually exclusive. She doesn't have her sabers anymore anyway. Where can she go? Where can she go?

She spots a flight of stairs to her left and ratchets up them just because, the exercise winding her slightly and helping her focus. She gets to the top and sees another staircase, then races up that one as well. Then another, then another. She runs into nobody. Nobody takes the stairs anymore when there are turbolifts.

Eventually she emerges out onto one of the highest balconies the Temple has to offer, winded and alone. Nobody comes up here anymore-- it isn't accessible by lift. It's empty, windy, and noisy from the traffic noise of Coruscant below. It's perfect.

She yells out into the empty air, screaming her frustration until she doesn't have any breath left in her lungs, and the sound is swallowed by the wind. Then, finally feeling spent, she sits slowly down and then topples slowly backwards, until she's lying flat on her back and looking up at the sky above. ]

[sandhate]

[ it's night when he finally finds her.

it's not that he couldn't. he could have. he could have found her even without the force guiding him. that's the bond they share. but he stood and watched her leave the council chambers, stunned not just by her answer but by the touch of her hand on his. what should have been relief and reunion came something darker. he couldn't place it. he stood numbly as she spoke. as his only apprentice walked, then ran. as his own master tried to console him with his steady presence.

and when he finds her, he still could not name what it was. all he knows is he sees a door closing and he's never been one to stand by when there is hope yet.

he sits quietly beside her. and for a moment, they just sit together. anakin feels the turbulence of her in the force and he envelops her in whatever calm and familiarity he can muster, as if to say where ever you are, i am here too. and if there is a small plea to stay - stand by me, fight with me, we'll change everything when the war is over, this is the only choice we have - it's nothing he wouldn't have said out loud.

anakin sighs and looks over at her, wondering where to start. ]

It's not every day that the Council apologizes, Snips.

[ throwing shade at the council, it is ]

[resnipstance]

[ It's nice to simply watch the sun set without it being over a battlefield for once, she thinks. It'd be even nicer if she didn't have this cacophony rattling around in her head.

Then the stars come out, and with them, Anakin. She doesn't sit up when he initially sits down next to her, but she does when he finally speaks. When she looks at him, it's only to raise an eyebrow. ]

But the Council didn't apologize. Master Plo did. And you, I guess-- not that you have anything to apologize for.

[ In case it wasn't clear. None of her shade, none of her bad feelings are directed at him. Not now, not ever. ]

[sandhate]

I do. I'm your master. I should have seen it coming. I shouldn't have chased you down like some- some criminal.

[ another sigh. everything that happened, the feeling of unrest still rattles in his chest.

he looks down at coruscant, then back at her. ]

There is so much that we still have to do, Ahsoka.

[resnipstance]

[ Ahsoka shakes her head. ]

... I know. But I can't help but wonder-- if I stay here, I might become... like Barriss. Rotting away on the inside.

[sandhate]

[ he twists and grips her shoulder with in his durasteel hand. ]

No. No, you won't. You are not like Barriss. You will never be. The fact that this happened to you and you overcame it is proof enough.

Ahsoka... [ he looks out and sighs again, seems to be doing that a lot. and yet it doesn't release the pressure in him ] Jedi or not, we have to try our best and be our best. That's what we are doing that here. Don't you see that?

[ he turns towards ahsoka again. ]

We need to end this war. And when it does end, when we win, I- [ he'll leave? he will be with his wife and live that love that he has had to hide? can he really tell her to stay, when he only plans to leave? ]

I hope that you will be by my side.

[resnipstance]

[ When it ends. When we win.

Ahsoka looks out at the night sky, and her signature in the Force seems drenched in sadness. ]

... Sure. But-- what if we don't win? What if... if it doesn't end?

[ Her voice sounds so small. Ahsoka has never voiced anything like this before. She's always been like Anakin-- so certain in their cause and in their victory. Never once doubting. Always plowing ahead with confidence. ]

[sandhate]

There will always be conflict in the galaxy. But this war will end.

[ he thinks about the nameless children that him and padme had talked about. he sees them burn away, soaked in the same sadness she emits now. and firmly, hands clenched on his thighs: ]

I will make sure of it.

[ then anakin smiles that same soft smile he showed in the council chambers. he's here, if she needs assurance. if she needs anything. ]

We'll make sure of it. Won't we, my padawan?

[ it's a slip. and he looks hopefully at her, as she holds the power to that reality ]

[resnipstance]

[ Ahsoka bites her bottom lip. For a moment, she's quiet. No answer. Finally-- ]

I wish I could be so sure.

I... had a vision. In the Council chamber.

[ And that's rare enough, in and of itself. Ahsoka, like Anakin, isn't prone to Force visions. So when she gets them, they tend to be important. ]

[sandhate]

[ his expression changes slowly. he's softer with his next words than usual ]

When you touched my hand.

[resnipstance]

[ A nod. It's not surprising Anakin figured it out. ]

I saw... [ she pauses, afraid and unsure. Then she shakes her head as if to clear it. ]

It wasn't entirely clear. But... I don't know if we are going to win. I felt... I felt the Jedi dying, Anakin.

[ She draws her arms around her body to as if to protect herself, as if she's cold. Despite the fact that Ahsoka runs warm and is almost never cold. But that vision clearly shook her, worse than anything they've been through recently. ]

[sandhate]

[ his hands are on her shoulders when he feels that cold dreaded fear. it's easy to pull her into a hug when they are far, far away from it all, with corucant below and starships beaming away above.

part of him blanks out at the thought of visions. it's not something he discusses, often. like a lot of other things. but he knows she needs to hear something reassuring from him. ]

Ahsoka. That would mean someone defeating Master Yoda, Master Windu, and me and Obi-Wan. None of us would ever let that happen.

[resnipstance]

[ She lets the hug wash over her for a second, and her fear dissipates into the Force. But after only a moment she pulls back, putting her own hands on Anakin's shoulders. ]

I know it doesn't make sense. But I need you to take me seriously. Please. Something bad is going to happen.

for uncle-dad

[resnipstance]

[ It's been three whole days since Ahsoka said she would think deeply about her decision before giving her answer to the Council, and she's spent the majority of those three days deep in meditation in the Room of a Thousand Fountains. That's rare enough in and of itself-- it's not like Ahsoka has always been first in line to meditate in the past.

Some of it has helped. But she still feels no closer to an answer.

She's spoken to Anakin, of course. She knows where he stands on the matter. But there's someone else whose opinion is important to her, whose face she hasn't seen since the Council meeting. Whose input she'd really appreciate right now. And she knows why. He's giving her space. And she appreciates that. But she's had plenty of space. Now she needs words.

So on the evening of the third day, she knocks on Obi-Wan's door. ]

... Master Obi-Wan? [ She doesn't bother asking if he's in there. Of course he's in there. She can feel it. ] ... Can we talk?

[beardstrokes]

[ plo koon had kept him from following. a reminder of the oath. his insides churned. obi-wan had a bad feeling, but the tides could not be coerced, merely meted out with the push and pull. attachment, he thinks to himself. perhaps he's done no one any favors. though it's not his failure he should mull about. that would be self-serving.

obi-wan lets out a quiet sigh. truly he feels old. ]

You may enter, Ahsoka.

[resnipstance]

[ At his permission, Ahsoka opens the door and enters, closing it behind her. ]

... Thank you.

[ She looks... different, somehow. The same physically, and yet the events of the last week seems to have aged her imperceptibly. She doesn't seem quite like the spunky, rambunctious, confident and plucky teenager she used to be. She feels more... cautious. More conflicted. Less certain. And then completely independent from Ahsoka's personal feelings, the Force itself also feels turbulent around her. Like it's waiting for her to make a decision just as much as everyone else is. ]

... I wanted to ask you for-- about... a couple of things. If that's all right.

[ It isn't the first time she's come to him with questions in the history of their relationship. But it's the first time, perhaps, that the occasion has been so serious or momentous. Or that she's seemed so hesitant in asking. Like... she isn't quite sure exactly of her standing anymore. ]

[beardstrokes]

[ obi-wan gestures at her to come in with a sweep of his hand. ]

Of course.

[ he waits for her to take a seat before finding one for himself. in this, he dare not push. only listen. ]

Ask away.

[resnipstance]

[ She sits, expression clouded. ]

I know-- I know that the decision has to be mine. That you can't tell me what I should do. So I'm not here to ask that. But I thought, maybe...

[ She frowns, feeling like she's not finding the right words. ]

That day in the Council room-- I thought I knew then what I was supposed to do. But now I'm not so sure. And the longer I think about it, the more muddled my thoughts become. So I was hoping... for another point of view. To help-- clarify my thoughts. That's all.

[ She knows she's stalling. But this is... hard. It's not something she can just blurt out. ]

[beardstrokes]

[ he sighs. it's never anything simple. he straightens his posture to afford this conversation all his dignity. ]

I will admit it is no easy choice. Many would leap at such a thing, but I believe there is true wisdom in deliberating.

And there is no shame in leaving if you feel you cannot find your path here. It is rare, but you are not the first.

[resnipstance]

[ Ahsoka just shakes her head, and if anything, Obi-Wan's reply makes her look even more downcast. ]

That's not the problem. Or at least-- not the whole problem. I think... if it were just about me, it would be a lot easier. At the very least, I would have decided by now.

I saw... two different paths, I think. In the Council chambers. But either choice... led to something bad. How am I supposed to make a decision under those circumstances? ... Why would the Force do that?

[beardstrokes]

[ his eyebrows go up and obi-wan's fingers find his beard, running down. ]

I . . . could not say.

[ better to admit a ignorant truth than to feign wisdom in such trying times. ]

It may be telling you, as the great balancer, that your decision may not affect the outcome of what you saw.

[resnipstance]

[ Obi-Wan's reply shocks her out of her formal posture, and suddenly she looks like a teenager again, wailing about some unfair punishment or another. ]

That's worse!

[beardstrokes]

[ firmly. ]

It is what it is, Ahsoka. We are servants of the Force. Not the other way around.

[ letting out a quiet breath. ]

It may be a choice the Force has left with you. And no one else.

[resnipstance]

What I saw, I-- don't want it to come to pass. But I don't know what it is exactly, or how it happens. Just that-- it was awful. It felt like... [ she takes a deep breath then, like this is hard for her ] ... like every light in the galaxy went out.

Every... Jedi. I was alone. I couldn't feel... anyone. [ She knows how that sounds, so she rushes on. ] But that's just a metaphor, right? There's no way that could actually happen.

[beardstrokes]

[ a lengthier pause. obi-wan wishes to say no, but they've seen a lot lately. the war. mortis. the sudden rise of darth maul and savage opress. their quick disappearance. there were pieces at sea, flotsam and jetsam, that clouded the view. ]

It seems very unlikely but the Force told you that for a reason. I would not discount it so easily.