"let's break everything differently" au

[resnipstance]

[ They all stand in the Council room after the trial, the evening sunset light of Coruscant pouring in to the tall chamber. Anakin and Plo-Koon give their apologies, and for just one single moment, Ahsoka thinks that maybe everything will be okay again. Not like it was-- it can never go back to the way it was. The knowledge that some of the people Ahsoka called family were willing to cast her aside without due process will stay with her forever. Such things can never be forgotten. But perhaps there is something there to be salvaged.

But then Master Windu and Master Yoda make their excuses, and Ahsoka feels her stomach drop out of the room entirely. It will always be like this, she realises. The Order is ... not what she thought it was. Suddenly, she knows it as clear as day: if she stays here, her soul will slowly rot from the inside. Like Barriss.

"They're asking you back, Ahsoka," Anakin's voice cuts through her thoughts, as he extends his hand to her holding her padawan braid. "I'm... asking you back."

She looks up at him then, certain that she knows what she has to do, but unwilling to say it. She reaches out to take Anakin's hand in her own, hoping to soften the blow of what she's about to say. But the second she touches it, something else happens.

Death. Terror. Destruction. The whole galaxy, crying out in pain in a single instance, and then just as suddenly-- nothing. The Force, drenched in silence and darkness. Obi-Wan, looking old and alone in the desert, full of sorrow. Glimpses of war-- more war. Never ending war. Anakin's voice from somewhere far off, full of rage, screaming "I hate you!"

None of it makes any sense.

And thne just as abruptly, a different vision. No-- she's seen this one before, but she'd forgotten about it. Herself, standing over a campfire. "Beware!" she warns. "You may never see your future if you remain his student!"

Ahsoka abruptly lets go of Anakin's hand in the Council room and the visions stop. She takes a step back in alarm. ]

I-- I'm sorry, Masters--

[ She speaks to the whole room, heart pounding with adrenaline, eyes on the floor but darting from side to side while she tries to catch her breath. She closes her eyes for a second and breathes in slowly and then out again, calming herself. Finding her center, she opens her eyes again and straightens. ]

It's... been a long day. Your offer is very generous, but I'm not sure I'm in the right state of mind to be making big decisions about my future right now. With your permission, I'd like to request a couple of days to meditate on it.

[ The room is filled with stunned silence, before Master Yoda taps his gimmer stick on the floor decisively and nods. "Certain, you must be. Wise to take your time in such matters, it is."

Ahsoka swallows hard and makes a hasty bow. "Thank you," passes from her lips, before she turns tail and exits from the Council chamber with as much speed as she can muster, not waiting for a dismissal. ]

Comments

[sandhate]

[ it's night when he finally finds her.

it's not that he couldn't. he could have. he could have found her even without the force guiding him. that's the bond they share. but he stood and watched her leave the council chambers, stunned not just by her answer but by the touch of her hand on his. what should have been relief and reunion came something darker. he couldn't place it. he stood numbly as she spoke. as his only apprentice walked, then ran. as his own master tried to console him with his steady presence.

and when he finds her, he still could not name what it was. all he knows is he sees a door closing and he's never been one to stand by when there is hope yet.

he sits quietly beside her. and for a moment, they just sit together. anakin feels the turbulence of her in the force and he envelops her in whatever calm and familiarity he can muster, as if to say where ever you are, i am here too. and if there is a small plea to stay - stand by me, fight with me, we'll change everything when the war is over, this is the only choice we have - it's nothing he wouldn't have said out loud.

anakin sighs and looks over at her, wondering where to start. ]

It's not every day that the Council apologizes, Snips.

[ throwing shade at the council, it is ]

[resnipstance]

[ It's nice to simply watch the sun set without it being over a battlefield for once, she thinks. It'd be even nicer if she didn't have this cacophony rattling around in her head.

Then the stars come out, and with them, Anakin. She doesn't sit up when he initially sits down next to her, but she does when he finally speaks. When she looks at him, it's only to raise an eyebrow. ]

But the Council didn't apologize. Master Plo did. And you, I guess-- not that you have anything to apologize for.

[ In case it wasn't clear. None of her shade, none of her bad feelings are directed at him. Not now, not ever. ]

[sandhate]

I do. I'm your master. I should have seen it coming. I shouldn't have chased you down like some- some criminal.

[ another sigh. everything that happened, the feeling of unrest still rattles in his chest.

he looks down at coruscant, then back at her. ]

There is so much that we still have to do, Ahsoka.

[resnipstance]

[ Ahsoka shakes her head. ]

... I know. But I can't help but wonder-- if I stay here, I might become... like Barriss. Rotting away on the inside.

[sandhate]

[ he twists and grips her shoulder with in his durasteel hand. ]

No. No, you won't. You are not like Barriss. You will never be. The fact that this happened to you and you overcame it is proof enough.

Ahsoka... [ he looks out and sighs again, seems to be doing that a lot. and yet it doesn't release the pressure in him ] Jedi or not, we have to try our best and be our best. That's what we are doing that here. Don't you see that?

[ he turns towards ahsoka again. ]

We need to end this war. And when it does end, when we win, I- [ he'll leave? he will be with his wife and live that love that he has had to hide? can he really tell her to stay, when he only plans to leave? ]

I hope that you will be by my side.

[resnipstance]

[ When it ends. When we win.

Ahsoka looks out at the night sky, and her signature in the Force seems drenched in sadness. ]

... Sure. But-- what if we don't win? What if... if it doesn't end?

[ Her voice sounds so small. Ahsoka has never voiced anything like this before. She's always been like Anakin-- so certain in their cause and in their victory. Never once doubting. Always plowing ahead with confidence. ]

[sandhate]

There will always be conflict in the galaxy. But this war will end.

[ he thinks about the nameless children that him and padme had talked about. he sees them burn away, soaked in the same sadness she emits now. and firmly, hands clenched on his thighs: ]

I will make sure of it.

[ then anakin smiles that same soft smile he showed in the council chambers. he's here, if she needs assurance. if she needs anything. ]

We'll make sure of it. Won't we, my padawan?

[ it's a slip. and he looks hopefully at her, as she holds the power to that reality ]

[resnipstance]

[ Ahsoka bites her bottom lip. For a moment, she's quiet. No answer. Finally-- ]

I wish I could be so sure.

I... had a vision. In the Council chamber.

[ And that's rare enough, in and of itself. Ahsoka, like Anakin, isn't prone to Force visions. So when she gets them, they tend to be important. ]

[sandhate]

[ his expression changes slowly. he's softer with his next words than usual ]

When you touched my hand.

[resnipstance]

[ A nod. It's not surprising Anakin figured it out. ]

I saw... [ she pauses, afraid and unsure. Then she shakes her head as if to clear it. ]

It wasn't entirely clear. But... I don't know if we are going to win. I felt... I felt the Jedi dying, Anakin.

[ She draws her arms around her body to as if to protect herself, as if she's cold. Despite the fact that Ahsoka runs warm and is almost never cold. But that vision clearly shook her, worse than anything they've been through recently. ]

[sandhate]

[ his hands are on her shoulders when he feels that cold dreaded fear. it's easy to pull her into a hug when they are far, far away from it all, with corucant below and starships beaming away above.

part of him blanks out at the thought of visions. it's not something he discusses, often. like a lot of other things. but he knows she needs to hear something reassuring from him. ]

Ahsoka. That would mean someone defeating Master Yoda, Master Windu, and me and Obi-Wan. None of us would ever let that happen.

[resnipstance]

[ She lets the hug wash over her for a second, and her fear dissipates into the Force. But after only a moment she pulls back, putting her own hands on Anakin's shoulders. ]

I know it doesn't make sense. But I need you to take me seriously. Please. Something bad is going to happen.

[sandhate]

[ he bows his head and looks away from her for a moment. he knows the words obi-wan told him when he had these visions as a padawan. visions of his mother.

he swallows and his grip on her arm tightens. ]

You know that I believe you. We are at war. Jedi are already dying. We are doing what we can by fighting for the Republic.

[resnipstance]

[ Ahsoka shakes her head. ]

I know what I felt, and it wasn't that. It was like-- everything was fine one minute, and then suddenly, every star in the sky went out at once. But in the Force. I felt it cry out. I couldn't breathe, I-- I was there, but I was... alone.

[ Something she's never truly felt before. And it terrified her. ]

[sandhate]

[ you'll never be alone he wanted to say. he wish he could promise that. ]

Is that why you haven't come back yet? [ his brow furrows ] It doesn't make sense, Ahsoka. Leaving us will only make you feel more alone, maybe that was what the vision was trying to tell you.

[ perhaps he was trying to sound more wise than desperate for her to stay at one point of that, but even he had to admit it was a plea at the end ]

[resnipstance]

[ Ahsoka makes a frustrated noise in her throat. ]

No, that's not-- you're still not listening to me!

[sandhate]

[ he makes gestures with his hand as he recites what he's heard from her. because yes, he has been listening!! ]

You had a vision. The Jedi all die. It leaves you completely alone. You don't think it's connected with anything with Barriss? The trial! Why is what I'm saying so far-fetch!

[resnipstance]

You're just interpreting what I'm saying the way you want to! I saw a potential future! Why won't you take me seriously?!

[sandhate]

Because I want you to stay, Ahsoka!

[ the yelling makes him think of their younger days. the familiarity in that is comforting enough for him fall into old routines. to take a breath between their bickering ]

I am listening, Ahsoka. You're scared of the future. [ a beat ] I am, too.

[resnipstance]

[ She seems to relent a little, but not nearly enough. ]

Then why can't there be a future where I stay and you help me get to the bottom of this, instead of brushing me off by pretending like what I saw was just a manifestation of my fears!

[sandhate]

[ didn't he wish obi-wan had let him go to his mother? and if he did, wouldn't his mother be alive today. she was his whole world, he knows what it's like the lose that and he wouldn't wish it on another.

he's quiet for a moment.

he can't bear to look at her when he speaks again. ]

If what you feel is right, what you believe the Force is tell you to do is to go. Then go.

1/2

[resnipstance]

[ After a beat, Ahsoka shakes her head once more, but it's softer this time. More fond. No longer angry. The corners of her mouth tick upwards in an almost-smile. ]

... Still zero points for listening comprehension, Skyguy.

[resnipstance]

[ Her face turns more serious, then. ]

I think... leaving is the "right" choice, for me, personally. I think it's what I'm supposed to do.

But if that path is going to end in a-- a future where everyone I know is gone, then I don't want to take it.

[ She thinks about the other vision. ]

I'm just... not sure that my staying is enough of a factor to change it.

[sandhate]

[ the nickname forces a wry smile out of him. but it leaves him and makes him feel more empty. ]

It may, or may not. You had a vision, but as Master Yoda says, the future is always in motion.

[resnipstance]

[ That's never really been reassuring when Master Yoda says it, and Anakin saying it doesn't really change that. Ahsoka just nods, but she pulls her knees closer to her chest, hugging herself. Staring out into the distance. ]

... Right.

[ She doesn't sound entirely convinced, but she doesn't argue it, either.

She sits like that in silence for a while. Trying to sort through her thoughts. The Force feels turbulent around her, but it doesn't seem to be coming from her. For a while it seems like maybe she isn't going to say anything more. But then, finally, as if out of nowhere-- ]

Do you remember... Mortis?

[ That planet that, by some unspoken agreement, none of them have ever spoken about. They never spoke about it so hard, that for the longest time, Ahsoka was convinced she had dreamed it. ]